As if there weren’t any hundred things lesser to hate in my life – I lately discovered that I’m suffering from Misophonia.
In fact, there are so many cool diseases out there, that today owning one may sound almost analogous to shopping up.
Jokes apart, according to Wikipedia, Misophonia – literally “hatred of sound”, was proposed in as a condition in which negative emotions, thoughts, and physical reactions are triggered by specific sounds. It is also called “select sound sensitivity syndrome” and “sound-rage”.
What to say – as it may sound stupid, but it’s true. It crawls on the skin. It burns. It scares. It shudders. It tingles with the cords inside brain. It stops everything in life, as if cursed. It ceases and sucks every action out of you. It’s like something shoves you out of a moving car with a thud. Distracted is too small a word to name then. It just stops the life in you.
In my case, the ‘it’ refers to ‘screeching sounds’.
Confessing your weaknesses may not be a brave thing, nor smart; perhaps may even be closer to stupidity. But then, on the second thought, it also takes you somewhere near-to finding solutions. In fact, the difference between ‘You know it’ Or ‘they know it’ really makes no difference. However, if you hide it, then sometimes in the process, it hides from you, and then it’s like jumping in a quick sand. There may be no easy way turning back.
Scientist claim that misophonia is real and it lits up a primitive region called amygdala in brain. Frankly, I don’t make anything out of it. I’m least bother what it lits or not, as long as I can stay sane, I’m happy. They say, it catylses the production of cortisol – the stress triggering hormone. In short, it causes stress, severe stress.
I have observed, it just takes possession of whatever I might be into; it jolts me out. It holds me still, and it crawls on my skin. This goes on till the screeching continues, and the whole period it keeps mounting. It’s like I become a bucket full of stress, as it keeps tightening up, irritating me to no volume, and there is no way I’m in control as I cannot stop the source of sound. I involuntarily try to fiddle with the idea to stop the source, but I’m in no control of source. I can never stop this external noise, as I find it rude to stop anyone from doing anything they love in their life, even if it causes me to bear some pain. If I expect not to be treated as one, I have to hold to my dignity to not to be treating anyone with similarly, else what’s the difference really.
The condition I am into, is rare. Or may not be rare. I don’t know. Articles on web suggest it’s rare. And could be so, as I don’t find anyone else being irritated or agitated by the screeching sounds as me. In fact, many others enjoy the idea of replicating it and start screeching their steps on the marble floor near a door-way enterance alley behind my back.
May be it’s cool to screech-walk. May be walking with sandals (and shoes) screeching on a marble floor gives a liberating feel of floating in the air, or may be there is some positive liberating feedback it gives to some that they try and screech the marbled floor with their foot.
Who am I to stop anyone from indulging in such liberating acts. It goes good with them as long as they feel it’s cool doing it.
My concern is how to find a middle ground that I may stop victimizing myself. I think I’m very close to a solution, and I wish if I could just stop being misophonic. I wish if I be less miserable and if I could join in the force of cool officemates’, but when tried, screech-walking doesn’t give me the cool kick the way they perhaps may be enjoying it. To me, it hurts instead.
One of the help article written on the topic suggests talking it over, but when screech-walking becomes a trend then whom all can one be willing to talk it over with. Another suggestion is masking noise. I try it. It helps a ton. It helps with so much big relief. I feel release of stress, like someone put-off a fire burning on me. However, I find masking a noise with another as a lame idea. I don’t want to disturb anyone with any distracting noise. As I know the pain, I will never want to induce such in any, not even my biggest rivalry. So I tune into my work volume more vigourosly. That helps, both ways – my productivity & my condition. And I try to minimize my noises, like keyboard typing & mouse drags, the moment I become aware of them. I try hard, it’s sometimes like a war raged in me. And I throw all my piling up affinities, stress, unpleasing sensations, pain, paranoia into work mania. Something which could add to my organization’s value for the time and resource they invested in me.
I recently found how sugar and caffeine adds up the intensity of misophonia. It’s hard avoiding caffeine totally, but now that I know, I try to ditch it wherever possible.
May be I will never find a complete relief. May be nothing will ever change, except the way of how I take to things, and that is exactly why I have written it out here. I want to change the way it whole works on me. My acceptance to my problems, is the beginning of a solution. Whatever I cause, I can fix, and the more I try to see it, the more I see as the cause. Sounds are beautiful, noises can be too. Slowly I start practicing accepting these noises, to the level I may comfortably ignore them, and it would mean a victory to me. And I know it’s hard. Very hard. And that is how I know, that I can.